Growing Up

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Psychologists have published enough books on human development to fill at least a few Amazon warehouses. Every week it seems we hear of a new approach to child rearing, promising a magic formula for producing happy, competent, well adjusted adults. These days you don't need a PhD to get your ideas out there. Any blogger now has the chance to reach millions of people with the only credentials necessary are a keyboard and an internet connection. Despite this over saturation pop psychology overload, there is also a lot of great, evidence- based prescriptions coming from experts who are worth listening to. The science of Neurobiology is fascinating and grounded in cutting edge research.

Attachment theory is now a classic approach to understanding how humans tick, but science continues to unveil the the profound effect that childhood experiences can have on people's lives, effects that linger throughout adulthood. It should be noted that this is not the same as psychoanalytic theory which probes the ways that childhood experiences create unconscious desires and behaviors that must be explored at a deep intellectual level in order to have the insight required to change behavior.

Problems with attachment, from a neurobiological perspective, don't necessarily require a deep probe of the metaphors of unconscious in order to feel better. What it does require is an interruption in the cycle of toxic relationships, whereas people learn to attract those that offer healthy emotional bonds based on respect and mutual unconditional positive regard. Sometimes the only way to first experience this kind of relationship is to find a person from outside your usual cohort, a therapist or friend that can challenge you to experience a new way of relating to others. Consistent positive relating actually changes the physical structure of the brain.

This creates an opportunity not just to heal and attract healthier people into one's life, but a pathway to passing into a new developmental stage. Erik Erickson's classic definition of these stages holds a lot of truth today. Check it out. Where do you land? Are you right on track or stuck in a stage that you are ready to put behind you?

Exercise

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Exercise is hard.  Well, actually exercising is usually the easy part.  Getting motivated to exercise, that can be the challenge, especially if you don't have any external motivation (beyond confronting your waistline in the mirror).  This week I had planned to keep my resolution going by exercising 3-5 times.  I did get a couple of good workouts in, but only because friends called and asked me to join them.  Most days I work out solo, but it was a good reminder that having someone to exercise with always pushes me a bit harder than I would on my own.  I bench pressed more than I had in a year and put more miles on my bike than I have in months.  

The science long ago concluded so, but the benefits of exercise are innumerable, especially for mental health.  Mood, energy, sleep, and cognitive function are all shown to improve.  So if exercise makes us feel so good, why do so many of us avoid it or make it a low priority?

I have found that the periods of my life when I was inspired by vanity to exercise, my motivation usually didn't last long.  Visions of being totally ripped usually quickly dissolve in a puddle of sweat.  What has worked for me is when I have another purpose.  A goal around work or education or family that requires me to be stronger physically and emotionally is more likely to inspire me.  Rather than to just look good in the mirror, I am motivated to embrace better habits in order to feel good and be able to achieve my goals.

The motivation is in there, you just have to know where to look!

 

Someday

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"What do you want to be when you grow up?" I heard the middle school teacher ask the kid who was not even a teenager yet.  "You're going to college, right?"  This was said almost as a statement, a demand, rather than a question.  In this poor urban middle school, college is pushed on these kids as the only way out of the poverty of their upbringing.  If they fail to achieve the outcome that a career beyond college promises, they will just be another cautionary tale, another case of potential squandered by someone who may have just been unworthy in the first place.  It strikes me that this approach, laced with undertones of fear, shame, and guilt, may be causing more harm than good.  As these kids grow up, the weight of these heavy expectations may prove to be too much at times, a burden that they may seek to ease with drugs, alcohol, sex, or the only acceptable path: achievement.  The problem is, for those that do make it, that survive the grueling marathon that is college and career, some struggle to let go of the burden of those expectations.  What is left to do once you've achieved what you were told to do, when you have restrained from the excesses of your less successful peers, and now your resume and Facebook page sparkles with success?  Something may be missing, something lost along the way, a journey so focused on the future that one has lost the ability to be present and enjoy the fruits of your hard won life.  When you wake up wondering what the point of it all is, it is time to chart a new course.  This time with the goal of being wide awake to the present moment, with an eye on the future, but your full self in the now.  It is time to escape the blinding endgame focused tunnel vision that has thus defined your path.  "So, any idea about what you want to do someday?" I asked the kid.  "I don't know," he shrugged, "can we go play ball now?"  I smiled grateful for this invitation to step back into the moment.  The future can be a pretty daunting place to live, but right now in this moment, it's time to play ball.